Real life fear/horror/madness

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Re: Real life fear/horror/madness

Post by HuManBing »

High Priest Mikhal wrote:Yes, I do question whether she's meeting her full potential value by being with you, Bing.
You're not alone!
HMB: Hey LomboDot! Come here and look at what I can do.

LomboDot: What the hell???

HMB: Pretty neat huh? I can take off my clothes and then pick them up WITHOUT USING MY HANDS. Image

LomboDot: Why would- ...I mean- ...Opposable digits- ...Muscular contractions....

HMB (modestly): Please, LomboDot, I... I don't want thanks.

LomboDot: ...I really picked a smart one, didn't I...?


Looking on the bright side, she'll be free of me in just over two months. Her visa runs out in June and she'll return to China indefinitely.

Probably with many a story to tell. :)
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Re: Real life fear/horror/madness

Post by Manofevil »

Here's some true horror for YOU HMB. Bill O'Reilly and Stephen Colbert seem to have become obsessed with you.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/0 ... 11634.html
Do us a favor Luv, Stick yer 'ead in a bucket a kick it!

So, gentlemen, that's how it is. Until Grissome.... resurfaces, I'm the acting president, and I say starting with this... anniversary festival, we run this city into the ground! :D
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Re: Real life fear/horror/madness

Post by Dark Angel »

See how far any of you get before you start decorating the room you are in with your blood....

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCi4xHB ... KXiVe8gpEA

Note: This is not my Youtube channel. I sure as hell could not cobble this thing together (especially the second act of part 2).
"One does not stop playing when they get old, they grow old when they stop playing" George Bernard Shaw
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Re: Real life fear/horror/madness

Post by HuManBing »

Back when I first started dating LomboDot, I was delighted to find that she was open to trying board games and card games.

I set about introducing her to my favorite games.

A year later, LomboDot has now established unbeatable dominance in several of our favorite games, including but not limited to Dominion, Settlers of Catan, Citadels, Race For the Galaxy, Seven Wonders, and Ticket to Ride. She's the sort of gamer who takes a good while to make a play, and it shows in the end result. We even came up with a term to describe the incredibly lopsided wins she can pull off in two player games: "handpalm". This describes a scenario where one side is so far ahead that no amount of strategic skill on the part of the opponent can possibly save the game, short of the leading player's intentional handicap or intentional inept play. The term derives from the idiom of holding the enemy players in the palm of your hand, whereupon further play is largely academic as you can close your hand at any time and defeat your opponent.

I was trying to explain this to Aze, saying that LomboDot inflicted a handpalm of such magnitude the previous afternoon that I was still dizzy. He seemed to think this was a good thing and offered a high five, which I did not accept as it was thematically and contextually highly inappropriate.

Needless to say, Aze was slightly morose.

LomboDot will spend a few more weeks here with me and then return to China, but she'll get to meet SmallMom and LoudDad first. The next few weeks should be fun and happy.

I think I might have to get her interested in Twilight Struggle...
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Re: Real life fear/horror/madness

Post by Gonzoron of the FoS »

Dark Angel wrote:See how far any of you get before you start decorating the room you are in with your blood.....
I have done it. I have experienced Bij. And it seems to have no effect. Now I'm going to follow these nice little elves into the basement. They say I should bring a hatchet and a bucket, but that seems reasonable to me....
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Re: Real life fear/horror/madness

Post by Dark Angel »

Hey, you did better than I did! All we did was go out to my yard with a tarp and a shovel. Everything else from there got really blurry though...

Hopefully the presiding judge will be understanding.
"One does not stop playing when they get old, they grow old when they stop playing" George Bernard Shaw
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Re: Real life fear/horror/madness

Post by HuManBing »

Packing It In

Three hours to go before LomboDot is due at the airport. To say that much remains to be done would be putting it mildly.

She has waited until now to clear away the collected papers, notes, documents, and personal effects of three years' residence in the U.S. as an overseas student. This was also her first ever trip out of China, and as can be expected for any first time tourist, she has not been rigorous about traveling light.

Highlights:
VIEW CONTENT:
  • She brought along a deck of cards on her flight over, in 2011, in case she ended up making no friends and had to while away the miserable hours alone in the freezing cold and darkness of a rented garret. The deck has never been opened. The cards have various Communist revolutionaries on their faces.
  • She searched frantically through her collected letters, throwing away and shredding love letters from her numerous exes, until she found the Valentine's Day card I gave her, which she packed next to her passport with a happy cry.
  • She has too many suitcases, so she has packed one suitcase inside the other. Against all expectations, this is actually working rather well.
  • She cannot pack all her cosmetics. As a result, I stand to inherit about a dozen vials of fancy nail polish, upmarket lip gloss, eyeliner, lash curlers, foundation, blush, and birth control pills. I can think of feasible occasions for using all except the last item.
  • The laundry isn't done yet, so she's doing all this frenetic work in only a pair of underpants. It's sometimes hard to treat the gravity of the situation with the respect it deserves.
  • Okay, weighing the suitcases now. Apparently Air China has a hard limit of 50 lbs. per piece. We are using a scales that activates with bare skin contact so we have to do an awkward hop with LomboDot stepping on to activate, and then quickly step off while I try to deftly switcharoo a suitcase onto the scales Indiana-Jones-style. We're currently at 51.2 and 50.6 and apparently all their contents are essential for travel.
  • The first time LomboDot stood on the scales, she spent about a minute having a minor meltdown about her "post-American weight". To put things into context, a quick calculation shows her current BMI to be just barely over the "underweight" category, and the last time I personally was equal to her weight, I was still a teenager and Monica Lewinsky was still in college and Czechoslovakia was still a thing.
  • Weighing done. Now time for carry on bags. She has gotten gift watches for all the family members back home and there are literally dozens of new watches in her carry-ons. This bears a disturbing similarity to one of those dishonest Cockney jobber street merchants offering you one of their dodgy "fell off the back of a lorry, innit" imitation Casios for half a monkey's. I told her to tell the customs inspectors that she was a diamond geezer but I don't think she's going to do this.
  • Edit: oh christ we totally forgot about her shoe collection. It's about to hit the fan like the fist of an angry god. :shock:
  • Two hours to go and I jokingly offer her a bit of "how's your father" as stress relief. She is not familiar with this term and I explain it. LomboDot shoots back "aren't you old enough to be my other dad anyway?" Touché, LomboDot, touché. Image
  • Shoes finally accounted for. Apparently I'm going to inherit a number of lady's shoes that are 35% too small for me, as well.
  • LomboDot, at T-minus-1h30m: "Actually that... - how you say? - 'where's your father' game is sounding pretty appealing right now." Hold her gaze for a long minute and find out she's not joking. BRB.
  • With some difficulty given the circumstances, I calculate her father's age. As one does. Apparently her father is exactly halfway in age between me and LoudDad. FML.
  • It seems like her deck of cards isn't the only thing to have fallen to the Communists.
  • Okay, back again and we suddenly realize, late, that neither of us has eaten anything. Also, because we've just gotten back from summer vacation, the house is empty of biodegradables. For me, this is a minor inconvenience. For LomboDot, facing the prospect of a hungry 28-hour flight itinerary, this is significantly more substantial. Check kitchen for food and decide on ramen, mixed with some Campbell's soup and zhajiang sauce. This won't pass for gourmet food but it will forestall LomboDot from braining and eating her neighboring passengers. At least for the first half of the trip.
  • Laundry is done and now we're attempting to force a large quantity of soft goods into something way too small to contain it, while LomboDot sings out "that's what she said" in a highly inappropriate display of jejune humor.
  • COVER YOURSELF WOMAN THERE IS NO LONGER ANY EXCUSE NOW THE CLOTHES ARE AVAILABLE.
  • The bank calls up and tells her that after she closed out her account yesterday, there is an extra $8 fee which they forgot about. This smells suspiciously like BS and they aren't getting jack. Several choice expletives hurled down the phone line later and we hang up, fairly confident that the U.S. does not have an extradition treaty with the P.R.C. (and nor, given the U.S. decision to name a street outside the Chinese consulate after a Chinese dissident, is one likely in the near future).
  • T-minus-10m and there is no way the luggage is possibly going to qualify for the weight limit. I'm quietly packing an empty suitcase into the car in the inevitable eventuality that she's required to remove some stuff from her check-in baggage. I'll get to inherit even more stuff.
  • T-minus-5m and now we're looking for her passport, which she fears may have been stolen by a pickpocket. I hold my own private doubts about the likelihood of a U.S. pickpocket, no matter how desperate, stealing a Chinese passport from a foreign student.
  • Passport found, mp3 loaded, girlfriend clad, stomachs fed, and luggage pushed groaningly into place by door. Off to return our LomboDot to the People's Republic. ALL SYSTEMS GO!
  • Return to home for toothbrush. ALL SYSTEMS GO! (MAYBE)
There is no illusion about the comprehensiveness of the packing. Just like beachside nookie, I'm fairly sure that even after I get back home and tidy up, there's going to be troublesome little reminders re-emerging constantly for a few days afterwards.

And so to the airport.

Goodbye, LomboDot. America will miss you!
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Re: Real life fear/horror/madness

Post by High Priest Mikhal »

Sad that she had to go, HMB. Hopefully she'll be back.

Now are you going to use all those cosmetics she left behind? Last time I went to a Glam rock concert I dressed as a guy...and was not dressed appropriately. Apparently I have to look like Dee Snyder did in the music video to "I Wanna Rock!"
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Re: Real life fear/horror/madness

Post by HuManBing »

Thanks, that's what we're hoping for too. Once she gets to China, she'll have to hit the ground running with the career search, but maybe she will find time to come back to visit me, and if life takes us that way, to think about something long term.

We're rather hoping she doesn't have to join the Communist party to find a job though. Most government jobs in China technically don't require it, but may favor Party members at intake, and almost certainly so for advancement. Maybe something in the private sector, free from politics.

Until then, I foresee myself doing a lot of Krav Maga and practising a lot of Chopin and Brahms, and not doing a whole lot of dating. LomboDot set the bar very high...

Last night I had a lamb vindaloo with Aze, who informed me that Nadia and Lyra have broken up, and Nadia has run off with a random guy. Lyra has sequestered herself away and is working on the Great Lesbian Novel. Both of them have quit their college studies.

Aze also mentioned that he wanted to pursue Lyra romantically amidst the debris of her relationship. Considering that he tried pursuing Nadia two years back before learning she was (at the time) a lesbian, I decided that he had been kept in the dark for long enough, and finally told him about the tangled tripartite history among Lyra, Nadia, and me. And also the random guys Nadia constantly trysted with.

The point was to emphasize that their relationships were extremely complicated and confused, and it might be a liability for him to get involved. Aze took away a completely different message though.

"You mean... if I date Lyra, we'll become Eskimo brothers??? I would consider that to be an honor!"

In Cantonese there is an expression "Moh yen tai" which means literally "I have no eyes to watch". I'm not going to try to stop a man from hitting on a lesbian who just broke up with a girlfriend of four years but I'm not sticking around to watch.

Also, despite a mango lassee and two post-prandial froyos, my intestines hate me now. Either the vindaloo is getting spicier or I'm getting older and weaker.

Kids these days.
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Re: Real life fear/horror/madness

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The Dark Side of Liberation

LomboDot is gone and I am alone in the home.

I woke up this morning at 7 a.m. and decided I would Get Crap Done.

My checklist for today was: 1) Do dishes, 2) Clean kitchen, 3) Tidy up LomboDot's effects, 4) Tidy up house generally for SmallMom's and LoudDad's visit.

Five hours later, I am currently halfway through 1).

But I conquered the world as the Soviets in Rise of Nations, so I've got that going for me.




What am I doing with my life.




Edit: I'm at step 3) now, and I count the total number of shoes bequeathed unto me at ten pairs. That's twenty discrete and separate shoes! How many feet did she have?

But she's Chinese so they all fit comfortably into one handbag, haha.
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Re: Real life fear/horror/madness

Post by Gonzoron of the FoS »

HuManBing wrote: [*] Okay, weighing the suitcases now. Apparently Air China has a hard limit of 50 lbs. per piece. We are using a scales that activates with bare skin contact so we have to do an awkward hop with LomboDot stepping on to activate, and then quickly step off while I try to deftly switcharoo a suitcase onto the scales Indiana-Jones-style. We're currently at 51.2 and 50.6 and apparently all their contents are essential for travel.
A bit late to help you now, but did you not consider simply having her hold the suitcase on the scale and do some subtraction?

I suppose given her garb at the time, you might have considered it counter-productive to suggest less rapid movements, though...

Sorry to hear about the end of an era. (or two eras, I suppose, counting the lesbians). Hope things look up for you 4 crazy cats soon. (or that we get to hear some more good stories in this thread at least...)
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Re: Real life fear/horror/madness

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Gonzoron of the FoS wrote:Sorry to hear about the end of an era. (or two eras, I suppose, counting the lesbians). Hope things look up for you 4 crazy cats soon. (or that we get to hear some more good stories in this thread at least...)
Thanks Gonzoron - things will be fine, I'm sure of it. The lesbians are both still young and beautiful - and in my experience, that's the best time to get a few heartaches so you can emerge wiser and kinder and smarter in future choices. I feel sympathy for a young person's tears from heartbreak. But I feel tragedy for an older person's tears from heartbreak.

As for me, I'm still keeping LomboDot entertained online, as a few anecdotes may show.

Paternal Vocation
VIEW CONTENT:
LoudDad called from out of town, and told me that he and SmallMom are coming to stay with me for a bit.

He didn't use a phone or anything - he just called me. For he is LoudDad.
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Famous Last Words
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My boss assigned me a VIP client whom I had to call every two days, minimum. If anything else came up, I had to call her immediately. This VIP client is a twentysomething college kid studying here in the U.S., but whose parents are a key client in China with phenomenally deep pockets and political contacts that I don't even want to think about.

Luckily, the VIP client herself is pleasant enough and conscientious and she's helpful in getting documents to us when we need them.

My boss calls her "HMB's girlfriend". On one or two nights, I have actually stayed late at the office in order to sort out some knotted legal problem with the VIP client, at the expense of a poor patient LomboDot (my actual girlfriend) waiting at home. LomboDot never complained about this, but even so, I thought that calling the client my "girlfriend" was a bit much, especially when my actual girlfriend was suffering because of my work.

I mentioned this to the boss while we were celebrating the birthday of yet another law clerk whose name sounds like that of an adult actress.

My boss said something very quickly, probably stumbling over a word or so. Plus he had cake in his mouth. So the sentence came out a bit like this: "Yes, it's a well established rule that you can only have two mistresses."

He then stopped and rephrased it. "Wait, that's not what I meant... famous last words, right...?"
Demotion! :(
VIEW CONTENT:
LomboDot roomed at the house of her work supervisor, AngelOfSalvation, who is a landlady of uncommon generosity and warmth. AngelOfSalvation recently lost her husband, so LomboDot was a welcome addition to a lonely and quiet household. AngelOfSalvation even let her live there for free.

LomboDot started dating me, and spending increasing periods of time away from AngelOfSalvation's house, at around the same time as AngelOfSalvation herself started dating a new boyfriend, LondonBeau. One day, I drove LomboDot back to the big house, and dropped her off. AngelOfSalvation was sitting in the shade of her porch, sipping basil lemon gins with LondonBeau. I waved and smiled at a distance and then drove back.

LomboDot faced a few good-natured teasing questions from LondonBeau about me. LomboDot referred to me, by context, as "the man who drove me here".

AngelOfSalvation let out a dismayed cry. "Poor Bing!" she said. "Ten minutes ago he was your boyfriend, and now he's just your driver!"
How to make an impression on her mom
VIEW CONTENT:
Back when LomboDot was staying here with me, she would occasionally video call her parents back in China, speaking their impenetrable rural dialect (which is apparently incomprehensible even to fellow villagers who live across the opposite side of the Yangzi river). We tacitly agreed that I should be out of sight and out of sound for these calls. I asked what would happen if I walked past in the background with no clothes on, and LomboDot said "the subject of the conversation would change very quickly and involve a plane ticket back to China the following day!"

Well, now LomboDot is in China living with her increasingly-erratic mother. I video called her last night while sitting in the sweltering heat, and I had taken off my shirt to cool down. LomboDot kept her video off, and asked me in English to turn mine off too. Apparently, her mother had been peeking over her shoulder and this raised several questions.

Later in the phone call, though, I balanced the webcam so it could record me playing Chopin's Nocturne Op. 72 No. 1 for her to watch. Apparently at that juncture her mom came back, entranced by the music. Like any Chinese mother, the piano skills apparently made up for everything else.

"You know, that naked guy in America actually plays piano just like a recorded CD!"

Thanks, crazy mom.
On hidden treasures
VIEW CONTENT:
Finally, playing Rise of Nations with Aze, HDT, and Alen. We gang up as the Americans, French, British, and Russians to mostly bomb some fascists in the form of Germany. After an initial strong showing, the Germans fall back and we converge on their capital.

"Hey," said HDT excitedly, "spare this building okay? I'm sending in a Spy to explore it."

We didn't understand what the big deal was.

"Well, you never know what you might find in a Berlin Bunker," he explained.

Fair enough.
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Re: Real life fear/horror/madness

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Odds and Ends

Laundry Detergent Deterrent
VIEW CONTENT:
LomboDot did her own laundry while staying at my place, and her clothes always smelled fresher and cleaner than mine. I later walked in on her putting in some nice fabric softener into the load, so that explained the scented smell. It was nice and I loved to bury my face in her clean laundry.

Just the other day I told her via Skype that I was running out of laundry detergent. She seemed surprised. "But I left you a whole bottle of it."

I said, what do you mean? I don't use bottled laundry detergent. I use a powder.

"You mean that nice smelling stuff isn't detergent?" she asked.

No. It was only fabric softener. Which means that for months, her clothes got washed with no detergent at all and only a cupful of fabric softener. They merely smelled clean...

I should really stop sniffing female laundry shouldn't I?
Another clerk bites the dust
VIEW CONTENT:
Several of our law clerks, who are all curiously named after porn star actresses, have scarpered. Nikki finally got her work visa, thanks in large part to my legal work, but then a sudden longterm boyfriend appeared and gave her an ultimatum - if she didn't go back to the motherland and resume their relationship, they would break up. Of course, Nikki decided that it just wasn't good enough to have her own job and income and work visa in a new country where a significant percentage of the male population are extremely interested in dating an Asian woman, and so she returned to be with this one guy.

Work visas don't transfer from person to person, either, so all that work essentially came to nothing. For those of you not familiar with the process, first you have to pay a lawyer a fee and give them lots of paperwork. Then they do a lot of fact checking, economic calculations, advertising of job positions, and presentation of financial and tax data, before they can file your case. Then they cross their fingers, because work visas are extremely oversubscribed and there is a lottery. If you pass the lottery, your case gets examined on its merits. Maybe 50%-75% of all cases don't get past the lottery and are returned. Sorry, bad luck. Once your case gets to the merits, the relevant agency tries its hardest to find weak spots and to demand further evidence. Once you've provided the evidence, it may or may not get approved.

Nikki got through the entire gauntlet of administrative red tape as outlined above - but in one fell swoop decided to leave her job, her new life, and a new country, in order to be with somebody whom she last met on the wrong side of grad school.

Traci left because of a family tragedy and also because her visa did not succeed in the lottery as outlined above. She'll be back in a bit for more study though.

Finally, one of our law clerks may undergo metamorphosis and pupate into a lawyer. Ilona joined our firm and took the bar exam, but didn't pass the first time. It happens. She's taking a leave of absence to try again. I wished her luck, and gave her the same advice that had served me well in my bar exam: "To answer each question, you must apply the rule. If you don't know the rule, think logically and invent a rule. Make it the most sensible-sounding rule you can. Be sure to cite to something really impressive-sounding, because the examiner won't want to take the time to check and they don't want to look stupid. AND IF YOU REALLY WANT TO HAVE FUN WITH THE EXAMINER, INVENT A RULE... AND THEN INVENT AN EXCEPTION TO THE RULE." Image

Ilona gave me a funny look.
Nikki's fantasy job
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Nikki and I walked back from lunch one time and she passed by a coffee shop that had just closed. A new one was coming in, and they were changing the logo and fittings.

Nikki sighed happily and said "when I was in grad school, I dreamed that I might become a barista."

I wasn't really paying attention and I said "I don't think you're qualified."

She seemed surprised. "Why not?"

"Because you have a degree in Economics."

She didn't get the joke.
Sapphic resurfaced
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Nadia has been located, weeks after she apparently left a message with Lyra saying she was going "out west somewhere" with a guy she met in a bar. Apparently she is well and safe and with family and friends, albeit far away from us.

Lyra is very relieved and pleased to hear this and although things are still pretty ginger between all relevant friends, it seems like they're on the mend.

Nadia did say something along the lines of "I was guaranteed to come back eventually though, I want to find out what happens to all our characters in the Ravenloft campaign."

Who says runaways don't have their priorities straight?
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Re: Real life fear/horror/madness

Post by Gonzoron of the FoS »

HuManBing wrote:Nadia did say something along the lines of "I was guaranteed to come back eventually though, I want to find out what happens to all our characters in the Ravenloft campaign."

Who says runaways don't have their priorities straight?
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Re: Real life fear/horror/madness

Post by Zilfer »

Probably pretty lame considering but I'm fairly sure I experienced a very brief Fear check. Was driving home from work (night time if your wondering, a full moon that was beautiful out in the night sky only slightly obscured by the cloud's that are always in the sky here in washington) Anyways, listening to a mix of songs, and OST's from the game Silent Hill 2 on my phone and it comes to the near end where the ambiance of the song changes. I recognize all the songs and know the ambiance by heart. Well there's a paper on the floor and it's cold in my car so the hearter was blaring along with the music. Next thing I know I hear something moving passenger side in the dark and for a good 3 seconds I didn't know what it was and i thought something really was there. I steeled myself focusing so i wouldn't crash. (lol yeah right like that's going to happen) Then reached up and turned the light on taking my eyes off the road to steal a glance at the horror that might have jumped into my car and been with me in the ambiance for the last 10 minutes I'd been driving. It was the paper of course.... or at least I hope it was.... :azalin:
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