Real life fear/horror/madness

[Zettaijin]

I had a good laugh at that Chinese thing.

I'll be sure to tell my Chinese friends about it!

[HuManBing]

Even Fidel Castro admitted Communism is a total failure before he died. If even the Great Unshorn One denounces it...

As far as I (and wikipedia) know, he's still alive....

It's okay, sometimes it can be a bit unclear when major leaders step down that they're not actually dead - just unemployed.

I had a similar discussion on these boards with a poster who only grudgingly admitted that Hosni Mubarak was still alive as of 2011.10.23.

[High Priest Mikhal]

Even Fidel Castro admitted Communism is a total failure before he died. If even the Great Unshorn One denounces it...

As far as I (and wikipedia) know, he's still alive....

I'll admit I may be wrong about his death, but in my defense it's never wise to take Wikipedia as gospel. It's a wiki. 'Nuff said.

[HuManBing]

Adventures with SmallMom

7. Private tuition

HMB: Did you ever think about how much richer you'd be if you never had children?
SmallMom: Not really.
HMB: How much do you think me and HDT cost you and LoudDad?
SmallMom: It would be quite a bit. There's the bigger house. There's the extra food. There's the clothes which you rapidly outgrew and we gave to HDT as hand-me-downs...-
HDT: Hey!
SmallMom: -...and then there's the really big ticket cost - private tuition!
HMB and HDT: Uh oh.
SmallMom: £10,000 per year per son. Admittedly, HMB's scholarship paid for 40% so call it £6K. And LoudDad's job paid for 30% of the remainder, so that's £7K yearly for HDT and for HMB... how much?
HMB: £4K
HDT: £2.4K
SmallMom (calculator): You're both wrong, it's £4.2K. [sotto voce] Your education dollars at work, fellas...
LargeSons: Houw!
SmallMom: Anyway, then there's college, which let's say was $300K for HDT in total, and £6.6K for HMB per semester, for nine semesters.
HMB: Crummy British government...! Not letting foreigners work during their education...!
SmallMom: Master's degree was essentially free because of tuition waiver. Then we have law school, which was about $17K per semester for six semesters thanks to in-state tuition...
HMB: Ah, journalism jobs! Don't pay jack, but good for saving a bunch of money at law school.
SmallMom (doing sums in Cantonese): Well, I think all added up and accounting for inflation, it's roundabout one million dollars total for both of you. HMB got more scholarships but he also got more degrees, and HDT got one degree at a pricey college.
HMB: And it was worth it right?
SmallMom: ...
HDT (childlike squeak, plaintive and inquiring)
SmallMom: I'm just thinking of all the couples' cruises we could have gone on.
LargeSons: Houw!




Addendum:
HMB: Just think of us as a good investment. You put money in now and we pay you back later... Yes?
SmallMom (auctioneer's voice): "Sold!!! To the highest bidder!!!"
LargeSons: Houw!

[HuManBing]

Hard Halloween Lessons

A quick note.

When going to parties to meet women, it usually helps if you're dressed as a man.

If you're dressed as a woman, then the women you meet will likely not be interested in you.

There is a specific exception to this, where a certain type of woman will be more interested in you because you're dressed like a woman.

It pays to know the difference.

It also pays to know if that woman is single or not.

If that woman is not single, then it doesn't matter how promising things get at this party, where you are dressed as a woman, and the woman who's into you likes the fact that you're dressed as a woman, because once the woman's partner (who is herself a woman who's into women) gets in on the action, everything is going to fall apart at the seams very quickly.

There are a few ways to salvage this if it happens.

One way is to play off your counterfeit nature as a joke and hope it passes muster.

There is a right way and a wrong way of doing this.

If either of the women takes offense, specifically because they feel jealous of your appearance as being "more feminine" than them, then you have gone about this the wrong way.

If BOTH of the women take offense for the abovementioned reason, then you have failed utterly and your only recourse is to seek the protection of the host.

If BOTH of the women are ALSO the hostesses then you are doomed. Evade capture and negotiate no-man's-land in your manic bid for freedom.

* ~ * ~ *

If you are not already skilled at running while wearing high heels, this is not the time to acquire such a skill.

[Zilfer]

xD Well that seems like quite the adventure. Hope it ended better than it was midway through it! xD

[HuManBing]

I am not on Facebook, so usually when some drama goes down among my friends, I'm the last person to know. This suits me fine.

Earlier today, I got an email from an ex. Nothing particularly unpleasant or accusatory. Just a "What's up? How are you doing?" sort of thing. Friendly. Flirtatious, even.

Just before lunchtime, another ex emailed me asking me much the same thing.

I'm now in the middle of lunch and YET ANOTHER EX has come online and begun chatting with me. I told her she was the third ex who has contacted me today and I am not sure what the deal is.

She kindly explained. An old and mutual friend has just had a kid. This friend also knows all of my exes and the baby pics evidently triggered a potent female midbrain response.

My face: õ_ô

At times like this I'm glad the lawyering process sucked out all the emotions and hormones through my skull with a dripfeed.

And onwards with my lunch.

[Trike]

You could have a child with each! Do it in secret and then seed the life of each child with hints at some terrible lineage. Slowly convince them with carefully engineered omens that they are each destined to rule but only if they destroy the others. It'll be priceless!

Or, uh, you know......don't do that.

[Zilfer]

Irony is I was thinking of something hauntingly similiar.... xD

[HuManBing]

Meeting with mainland Chinese clients:

1. Introductions: senior attorney.
2. Introductions: Chinese clients.
3. Introductions: self (junior attorney).
4. Discussion: investor immigrant regional center project.
5. Discussion: risk of invested funds.
6. Discussion: total amount of $500K and 10 jobs created per applicant.

BREAK

7. Digression: junior attorney - citizenship: U.S. or Chinese?
8. Digression: junior attorney - U.S. citizenship: by birth or by naturalization?
9. Digression: junior attorney - single or not?
10. Digression: junior attorney - straight?
11. Digression: junior attorney - age?

PREGNANT PAUSE

12. Digression: does junior attorney have any brothers who might be similar in appearance and orientation but somewhat younger?


Junior attorney:

[Zilfer]

Ouch..... sorry for ya Bing. xD

[HuManBing]

Bonus question:

Client: What is junior attorney's (i.e. my) younger brother like? Is he as good looking and clever?

Junior attorney (i.e. me): Well, put it this way. If I and my brother were characters in a medieval Chinese wandering hero epic, then my brother would be the noble, charitable, honorable hero. And I would be the big friendly guy who follows the hero around trying to score free beer.

Client: I see.

[Zilfer]

Haha! Would he be good at drunk fighting though is the question?

[HuManBing]

I discovered a single grey hair above my right ear. This faintly amused me. Then I looked over at my left ear and found a significant number of grey hairs there.

I called up HDT, my brother, and told him about this. His response was "Oh, I have a bunch of grey hairs on my chest."

I was surprised. "I didn't think you had any hairs on your chest."

HDT said "Well, now they're purring and yawning and getting up."

There was a pause.

HDT called "Hey, come back here, cat!"




* ~ * ~ *

Bonus adventure with SmallMom

HMB: What do you think Chinese women look for in a man?
SmallMom: Oh, you want to date a Chinese woman? That's easy.
HMB: Why?
SmallMom: You take a string and a hole puncher and you punch a hole through your U.S. passport and then wear it around your neck and go for a walk along 女人街.
HMB: ...thanks SmallMom.

[Zilfer]

Culturely ignorant here but i'm going to guess that means chinese women want to come over to america? no?