Ask a darklord

[HuManBing]

Vecna: Meh, necromancy's not all that great. It's a dying business.

Dear von Kharkov: Are you able to comment on the old adage, with regards to the women who keep disappearing from their families in your realm, that "once they go black, they never go back"?

P.S. How's the white fever going by the way?

[cure]

von Kharkov: The expression is rather: once they go cat, they never go back. It sounds better in the local tongue. The white fever is officially crushed; unofficially any official who finds himself or herself at the centre of an outbreak will be crushed.

Dear Harkon Lukas,

What is your favourite song? And, while you are about, are the rumours true that you used to make up insulting little ditties to taunt Duke Gundar, ultimately provoking the poor old fellow into attempting your assassination?

[Rock of the Fraternity]

I know so many great songs, but right now I'm partial to 'the Howling' by Within Temptation.
Ah, old Gundar... It's so sad when a man in power hears a perfectly innocent tune and assumes it's about him. People really shouldn't think that the world revolves solely around them, it causes... misunderstandings. Unless it's true, as in my case.

Ebonbane, I'd like to ask: What is your favourite brand of sword polish, and do you get frequent treatments against rust?

[A G Thing]

Ebonbane: I don't spend my time polishing MY BLADE!!! AND I NEVER RUST!!! SUCH SCANDALOUS INSINUATIONS!!! I AM BATHED IN PURE EVIL ON THE BLOOD OF MINE ENEMIES!!! PIERCING THEM REPEATEDLY ALONG MY STEELY LENGTH!!! OVER AND OVER UNTIL I AM SATISFIED!!!...

I would never stoop to such perversity and I advise you to get your mind out of the gutter!!!

Dear Maligno

What do you think of these comments? Are they not inappropriate?

[Leliel]

Ebonbane: I don't spend my time polishing MY BLADE!!! AND I NEVER RUST!!! SUCH SCANDALOUS INSINUATIONS!!! I AM BATHED IN PURE EVIL ON THE BLOOD OF MINE ENEMIES!!! PIERCING THEM REPEATEDLY ALONG MY STEELY LENGTH!!! OVER AND OVER UNTIL I AM SATISFIED!!!...

I would never stoop to such perversity and I advise you to get your mind out of the gutter!!!

Dear Maligno

What do you think of these comments? Are they not inappropriate?

Maligno: I'm a kid, so I wouldn't know. Especially not anything relating to the erection of wooden structures.


Now, because I have a death wish:

Dear Azalin and Strahd:

Have you read the slash fanfiction of you? A lot of fangirls think you make a cute couple, what with the way you carry on at each other.

[HuManBing]

Dear Azalin and Strahd:

Have you read the slash fanfiction of you? A lot of fangirls think you make a cute couple, what with the way you carry on at each other.

Strahd: I... I actually admit that I don't know what that term even means. Is it something like a goulash or a borscht?

Azalin: I got this. I think I stumbled across a related phenomenon when I was scrying astral dweomers. It's some sort of heathen icon with a top-hat, empty eyesockets devoid of eyeballs, and some sort of morbid musical instrument. I think it was a corrupted form of Baron Samedi actually. Apparently evolved out of guns and roses during the mid-Reaganlithic.

Strahd: ...You should put that in your diaries and publish the whole thing as "Ideal Chamber Pot Reading".

Azalin: ...Yes, and you could do the same with your diaries except change the last word to "Scrubbing".



Question:

Dear Easan the Mad: "Penny for your thoughts?"

[A G Thing]

ANSWER

Easan: Very well...

A single massive penny beings to plummet from the sky toward earth...


QUESTION

Dear Death

Does it get boring being stuck in Necropolis so long? What do you do to pass the time?

[Leliel]

Death: "...exist? I did it for literally eternity before I fully manifested on this puny little plane...I think..."

Dear All Interested Darklords:

What will we do with a drunken whaler?

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iVlVyi9rKDo)

[HuManBing]

Harkon Lukas: a drunken wailer? Lifetime ban from the Meistersinger competition, plus daily personalized insults from the panel of judges on "Harmonia's Got Talent".

Azalin: drunken wailer? Hang her from the ramparts till she's a banshee. Willow will be pleased to have a playmate.

Shinpi: drunken whaler? Appoint him Chief Minister of the Scientific Cetacean Research Institute Requiring Lethal Methods and Completely Unrelated to the Commercial Sale of Whale Products. WHY YOU SAY WE NOT ALLOWED TO WHALE IN OUR OCEANS YOU RACIST CULTURAL IMPERIALISTS WHY I HAVE A GOOD MIND TO INVADE YOU AND EXECUTE ALL YOUR PEOPLE EXCEPT FOR YOUR WOMEN THEY SEEM COMFORTABLE.

Boritsi: wailer? I can work with that. Drunken, you say? Even better! Penthouse suite, eleven o' clock sharp. I've got several engagements tonight but I'll try to fit you in.




Dear Drakov: Gabby put a spell on me and now I want to help her subsidize the Invidian mattress makers industry. What I want to ask you is: what are the rules for dating your daughter?

[alhoon]

"High tolerance to pain and greater than normal stamina and constitution. I like to enjoy a long dinner with my daughter's boyfriends."

Dear Bluebeard:
"What is your opinion on marriage vows to protect your wife?"

[Nemesio]

"There is no safer place than the locked room where I hang my wives. It even has climate control..."

Question for Draga Saltbiter: "Where the hell did you get a name like Saltbiter anyway?"

[Rock of the Fraternity]

"Well... You know the stories about sailors and rum, and... Look, bar-hopping was involved, and some run that had gone bad, okay? Just let it go, people! Let it go before I bite your legs off, okay?!"



Dear Strahd: How do you respond to allegations that you have been ripping off Bela Lugosi's style for centuries now? Are you at all worried about copyright suits, what with lawyers being worse than vampires?

[Satyrwyld]

"Being as my benevolent reign of Barovia predates Mr. Lugosi by several centuries, it is I who should rend his soul and animate his corpse to scrub chamber po- I mean, I who should contact legal counsel in the matter. I have no fear of lawyers, as my kind and theirs have a... professional understanding."

_____

Maligno: I understand your father's behavior irks you. Have you ever considered simply filing for emancipation, then legally having your name changed, as opposed to lashing out in antisocial manners?