The Desolation of Zeidenburg, Part One

[Le Noir Faineant]

Year 760 of the Barovian Calendar, 21st day of the 1st month, midnight

"...Please, Mr Rednose, don't..."

*POW*

Merowech Rednose, famous gnomish wrestler and designer of explosives, smacked the burgomaster's head against the wall and then stepped out of the door to the moon-lit duel arena.

Quickly, he climbed up to his Darkonian mech and shut the visor of the tower-high engine.

The two big gattling guns ready, the gnome waited for his opponent to arrive.

Merowech's Mean Mech

[Le Noir Faineant]

A picture of the battle ground

...Now just waiting for the fiendish foe to arrive...

[alhoon]

OK, you picked a graveyard... Fiting for YOU.
Here I come. All of me.
Come on my 12 simulacrums of a 15th level mindflayer lich... Put that rusty water-can to the ground. Cast some spells from the scrolls I gave you.

Let me see...
- Rusting grasp? Yes
- Summoning of fiendish rust monsters? Yes.
- Summoning of celestial rust monsters? Yes. (Hey! they can use the smite evil ability!)
- Summoning of... What is that? Who gave simulacrum #3 a scroll of summoning "the fiend of unparralel rudeness" ?
- Heat metal? Yes
- Dig? Yes
- Creation of Mega-magnet so that Des' water-can will attract all rubbish and scrap metal from 300' radius? Yes
- Summoning of scrap metal #1 = "Leftovers from Drakov's army equipment"? Yes
- Summoning of Scrap metal #2 = "Azalin's & Deaths Trash"? Yes
- Lighting bolt? Yes
- Summoning of a horde of Gremshikas? Who put that on the battle scroll tube? ! ?
- Summoning of my battle-suit? Yes.

... So Your thing doesn't seem so intimidating rusting beyond repair, heated and with a jumble of broken swords, unfinished shields and a multitude of broken "Get out of Ravenloft" devices! MU HA HA HA HA HA! ! !
Now we must deal with the Gremshikas...

[Le Noir Faineant]

This is Merowech's Mean Mithril Mech... Which means it shouldn't rust...

*But the torpedos in the rocket slots were made of ordinary steel...*


D'OH! (Isn't that what Homer Simpson says in such moments?)


(Both arms of the Mech will explode...)

"Naaaaaaaaaaaah! - You won't me have locked all inside here, will you? - OMG, you will!"

*Tries in vain to open cabin door, now blocked by dozens of >My husband went to Darkon and all I got was this lousy chainmail< armors.*

"Now, I will teach you!!!"

*Insert rocket boot launch*

The Mech shoots away into the night sky...

*Mwahaha! That Gremishka will beat the HELL out of you...*

Merowech Rednose
AL CN
Demonbrood Rednose Gnome. (Player's Guide to the Wilderlands)
CL 15: Archivist 5 (Heroes of Horror)/Shootist 5(Masque of the Red Death)/Master of Radiance 5 (PrCl, Libris Mortis)

Merowech's Mean Mithril Mech, AL ??, From the D20 Modern SRD

PARAGON

CR

Nothing less than a mobile weapons platform, the Paragon dominates any battlefield and can lay waste to entire armies. In space, it can fight toe-to-toe with armed starships.
A Paragon installed with the standard equipment package (see below) has a purchase DC of 61.

Size: Colossal (–8 size)
Bonus Hit Points: 900
Superstructure: Mithril
Hardness: 300
Armor: Mithril
Bonus to Defense: +25
Armor Penalty: –10
Reach: 30 ft.
Strength Bonus: +60
Dexterity Penalty: –5
Speed: 50 ft., fly 200 ft. (poor)
Base Purchase DC: 60

Standard Equipment Package: Advanced diagnostics (helmet), Class V sensor system (helmet), Crackerjack neural link (mithril), Mark IV Oracle targeting system (visor), jet-assist wings (back), Avenger electro-scimitar (left hand), Barricade tactical shield (right arm), M-300 Rhino mass cannon (right hand and right arm), M-87 Talon missile launcher (left shoulder), 2 4-packs of M-87 Talon missiles (left arm), M-70 EMP rocket launcher (right shoulder), 2 6-packs of M-70 EMP rockets (torso), HV-5 Haven escape pod (torso), zero-G stabilizer (torso), Mark II deflection field (belt), life support system (left leg), ramjet thruster boots (boots), 100-hp structural enhancement (2 slots equivalent), light fortification (1 slot equivalent), space skin (1 slot equivalent).

[alhoon]

*Mwahaha! That Gremishka will beat the HELL out of you...*

You can't be serious! Anyone who has ever participated in a war/battle/skirmish nows that Gremshika are good in only ONE thing:
Not being good in anything.
Give a horde of Gremshikas an order to slay a sick goblin and they fail miserably leading to a total devastation of your army and the surrounding countryside but the goblin escapes. Amazing yet true.


Hey! You wouldn't leave my 12 simulacrums alone to kill all those Gremshikas? Would you?
In case you think to answer "YES" look at this:
Scroll of summoning back Mithril Mechs.

Hi there again!
Now, put those rusty rockets to good use! There are Gremshikas all around stealing childrens' candies! And instead of surrundering the candies to me... They eat them ALONE! ! !

Who stands with me against Daisy? It is a fight for honor, goodness and for the future of our children! Rally to my flag to save our children from the horrors of Desdichado.

YES!
Save the kind and friendly brain-chewing evil monster with plans for world domination from the mean and nasty knight of truth and honour...

Exactly! We fight against honor and goodness. What did you expected?
And they are NOT plans for world domination! World is just a tiny thing!!!

[alhoon]

OK the first stab of treachery that crisscrosses my dormant heart.
VAN refused to help. My own sister claims NEUTRALITY!

[Le Noir Faineant]

"Oh noooooooooooooo! Not the candies!"

*Fires torso canons from the sky*

8d20 damage on the Gremishkas and simulacra out there...

And no Zeidenburg arena any more...

Come on, al! Get your own Mecha and let's have a trip to uncle Strahd together! *Insert electronic beat*

I am very sorry for VAN. She's missing THE event of the year!

[VAN]

I don't know if there is the event of the year or not but I'm sure that you two will have fun together!

If I hade some more time I would help you alhoon, but you know we are playing 3 campaigns! I don't have much free time. But as I promised if anyone else goes with Des, I'll be by your side!

So Des, be careful if you try to convince anyone else with your evil, dirty tricks a new fighter will get alhoon's side!

Have fun for me too guys!

[alhoon]

Yeah, as if smashing Desdichado and the gremshikas takes time.

Back to the point: As you probably know my simulacrums are simulacrums of an undead with 16+8= 24 HD creature That means they have 12d12 hp and the resistances and immunities of an alhoon. 8d20 doesn't do much to myselves...

Yet, let's cast a "protection from bombs" just in case.
Phewww Thankfully I cannot smell! You have left behind a smashed graveyard with splattered candies among scortched Gremshika. Yet, more remain.
I'll cast a "wall of fresh breath" around the graveyard. Any gremshika crossing it will have its breath stolen as gremshika can NEVER have fresh breath.
Try some other trick, no more bombs as they destroy the candies too.

[Le Noir Faineant]

Try some other trick, no more bombs as they destroy the candies too.

I am sorry, there are only rockets left... Because you cut my arms!

*Idea*

*Drops gravitation field stabylizer*

*Pushes button*

Now you should feel certainly *flat*... Mwahahaha...

[Le Noir Faineant]

If I hade some more time I would help you alhoon, but you know we are playing 3 campaigns! I don't have much free time. But as I promised if anyone else goes with Des, I'll be by your side!

Ah, don't worry... This will be... quick.

[alhoon]

Ouch! Now 11 Simulacrums remain...
What a pity to lose a simulacrum to a bunch of rusted armor and failed out-of-Ravenloft experiments.

Let's bring out a trinket then...
Hey Des, can your hopping machine deal with the colossal mattress-of-madmen? Jump on this if you dare and lets see in which madhouse you'll rebound!

[alhoon]

What happened? Have I polymorphed you to a chicken without knowing? Have you so soon admitted that my superiority will lead to my ultimate triumph and backed away?

[Le Noir Faineant]

Hehehehe...

I just went downtown to eat some Calamari...



Bring on that matress!

*Preparing torso rockets while floating*

[alhoon]

Torso rocket reversing spell and...

Conjuring many paparazzi photos of famous models in "privet" moments. Magnifying illusions showing those model moments in 30'x30' areas all around your fire-can.
PS. I'm sexless so I'm not affected by those photos and videos.