Ask a darklord

[Paladyn]

Arijani:
My litter box and poo are cleaned by couple of young, attreactive and highly dangerous maidens, who live happily with me in mansion.

Dear Alfred Timothy!
I'd like to know if you or your pack are allergic to cats, as I'd love to move to Verbrek but don't want to disturb other citizens.

[Rotipher of the FoS]

Alfred Timothy:

No, we're not actually allergic to cats. They just taste awful, that's all.



Dear Von Kharkov,

Habla español? There seems to be a lot of support on these boards for making you Latino, not whatever-the-heck-you're-supposed-to-be.

[Nathan of the FoS]

Urik von Kharkov:

?Como es que me vayan a tomar por Latino cuando obviamente soy...este... bueno, como no?

Dear Captain van Riese,

Have you considered a GPS system? They're getting cheaper.

[Joël of the FoS]

Dear Captain van Riese,

Have you considered a GPS system? They're getting cheaper.

Excellent

[Paladyn]

Captain van Riese:
Yes I had but unfortunatelly subscription need credit card and cracked version does not work properly. Afterall I don't trust 'em, from what I heard the have tendency to lead to dead ends.

Dear Crocdile!
Have you eaten some captains with wathces recently? I', looking for good Omega but have low budget.

[Rotipher of the FoS]

King Crocodile:

If you're comparing me to that idiot croc from Peter Pan, be aware that I, unlike that one, have a brain. This means that I eat every part of my victims BUT their timepieces.



Dear Jacqueline Renier:

What's your favorite variety of fancy rat? Hooded? Satin-Rex? Dumbo? Patchwork? Colorpoint? Also, do dire rats come in the same varieties, and if so, where can I buy one?

[cure]

Dear Jacqueline Renier:

What's your favorite variety of fancy rat? Hooded? Satin-Rex? Dumbo? Patchwork? Colorpoint? Also, do dire rats come in the same varieties, and if so, where can I buy one?

Jacqueline Renier: Sacrilege! Les rats ne sont pas a vendre! Les hommes, oui. Les rats, non. Sauf peut-etre aux autres rats . . . . Cela compris, je les adore tous. Et je ne pourrais jamais dire definitivement qui est mon prefere. Mais pourquoi pas vous ne venez au dinner et je vous presenterai aux quelques individuels vraiment exceptionels? Je vous assure, leurs tailes vous impressionera.

Dear Vecna: Having snapped the Dark Power's chain, do you have any advice for Azalin?

[HuManBing]

Vecna: Yes. Your chances of escape are especially good in between editions, when the last lot of Dark Powers have been sacked and the Universe has hired a cheaper, younger lot as replacements. Make sure when you make your run for it, you act perfectly natural. They'll all be former freelance DPs, suddenly disoriented at their sudden power and responsibility that comes with a stable tenured position of DP.

The wrong way to do this:

Them: Halt! Who goes there?

You: I'm on loan from Greyhawk. They'll be wanting me back.

Them: Hah! Hah! A likely story. If they let us have you they most certainly do not want you back.


The right way to do this:

Them: Halt! Who goes there?

You: I was sent to tell you they need somebody to do some open ended full-contact retcons, to be ready in two weeks for the playtesters.

Them: WHAT! Two weeks! That's insane!

You: They wanted you to be fully conversant in the setting before you start, too. But the good news is you have a choice.

Them: Ch-ch-choice? What of?

You: Forgotten Realms or Eberron.

Them: ARGH I GOT DA FEAR!!! [Flees panicking]






Dear Rudolph Van Richten:

My word, it's you! How've you been old chap? Haven't seen you for donkey's ears! How's the lovely wife... no, wait, how's your cherub of a son? Still the same as ever, eh?

...

What?

[Leliel]

Richten:

...

....

....Go.

Away.

Now.

(Spends next few minutes crying)


Dear Strahd:

Does being more awesome then any other Darklord in the Core ever lead to notoriety among wannabe monster hunters?

Also, can I stay in your castle, since whatever fate the other darklords have for me now is probably far worse then being your blood bank?

[Rotipher of the FoS]

Strahd:

Does being more awesome then any other Darklord in the Core ever lead to notoriety among wannabe monster hunters?

Occasionally, but they're not nearly as annoying as those damned paparazzi.

Also, can I stay in your castle, since whatever fate the other darklords have for me now is probably far worse then being your blood bank?

I suppose there may be a free space in the cells. Just don't expect a glass of orange juice and your choice of magazines or Sudoku to keep your mind occupied while donating; however, the inmates will be holding cockroach agility-races next Tuesday night.



Dear Shimpi/Shinpi Haki,

Just how is your name spelled, anyway? And which of those two words is your surname, however the first one is written?

[Scarycount]

Shinpi: Haki is my last name. As for my other name I couldn't tell you how it's spelled. Being incorporeal for so long, I havn't gotten a chance to practice writing it.

Dear Maligno: What do you do while you're waiting around for some adults to show up?

[A G Thing]

Maligno: A whole lot of wittleling. Alot of wood around...

Dear Mister Fox: Exactly what are the property taxes for building a house on one of the lots at the White Road? I have a credit score of 550!

[Malichko]

Somebody please enlighten me about this Mister Fox, I must admit I have no idea who that is, sorry.

...the question:

Dear Arijani, I've read you still live at your mom's place, that's sooo nice...
How old are you right now?

[HuManBing]

Dear Mister Fox: Exactly what are the property taxes for building a house on one of the lots at the White Road? I have a credit score of 550!

Mister Fox: Well now the housing market is in freefall, but with the correct government spending initiatives and tax credits, I think we could handle it. I'll just need you to approve these papers, which are mortgage-backed securities bundled with AAA bonds and sold on Wall St.

Initial here, sign here, initial here, press bloody thumb here, place eyelash of firstborn child here.

Thank you.

[Rotipher of the FoS]

S
Dear Arijani, I've read you still live at your mom's place, that's sooo nice...
How old are you right now?

Oh, right, like I'm going to hand over personal information to anyone on the Internet! I've already had enough trouble with identity-theft, what with that obnoxious yugoloth who stole my place in the Grand Conjunction prophecy. (And just in case Inajira's reading this: Our name sounds much better the way I spell it, you dog-faced dyslexic!)



Dear Monette,

Eeuuuuw, you ate a bunch of raw bats? Never mind lycanthropy: didn't you know that's a great way to get tapeworms?