Café de Nuit

Posted: **Tue Sep 22, 2009 11:04 am**

When have you ever had to make a Sanity check in real life?

Day One:

HMB is sitting at a bar talking with a gay male friend. Gay male friend is homosexual. HMB is heterosexual, unless Johnny Depp is in the room. (He's not.)

GMF: How many women have you slept with?

HMB: I have slept with [number of women] women.

GMF: And how many men have you slept with?

HMB: I have not slept with any men.

GMF: Ha! As far as you know, you mean.

HMB: What do you mean "as far as I know"? People tend to notice stuff like this.

GMF: How can you be sure none of the girlfriends were post-operation transsexuals?

HMB (denial): Because... because... they weren't, okay???

GMF: Did any of them have Adam's apples? Were any of them unusually tall and thin? Did any of them have unusually long hands? Husky voices? High cheekbones?

HMB: OMFG YOU'RE DESCRIBING MY EX.

Day Two:

HMB is now IMing a particular ex-girlfriend, with whom he still stays in contact because frankly it's better to keep your enemies close and your exes even closer.

HMB: Hey, I have a funny story to tell you.

EXG: Cool. Go on...

[HMB verbally cuts and pastes conversation from before.]

HMB: Is this you?

EXG: [VERY MANY VERY BAD WORDS ANGER RAGE AND INDIGESTION] (Disconnects)

I swear I will never understand women.

...or is that "men"?

I find out more.

Edit: My ex has returned to the discussion and assures me she was never a man. I'll take her word for it.

Posted: **Tue Sep 22, 2009 11:41 pm**

Fear check story:

Ok, so im wit my hunney making out when da phone rings. person on phone with deep voce was all liek "what you doin with my daughter?"

i tell my hune and she say "My dads ded".

SO WHO WAS PHONE?

Posted: **Wed Sep 23, 2009 9:58 am**

Horror check.

What if... HMB ruled the internet???

Posted: **Wed Sep 23, 2009 10:18 am**

SPAMBOT!!!!!!

Posted: **Wed Sep 23, 2009 11:26 am**

Don't worry, I've already reported it. Check this post in the Site Feedback thread. Soon we will be free of this spammer's merciless regime.

Posted: **Wed Sep 23, 2009 1:38 pm**

You've done humanity a great service, H.

Posted: **Fri Sep 25, 2009 7:22 pm**

Zettaijin wrote:You've done humanity a great service, H.

*modest HMB*

Please, Zettajin... I...

(looks away)

...I don't want thanks...

Posted: **Fri Sep 25, 2009 8:21 pm**

As a long-time mod here, I now wonder if we should define more precisely the goals and aim that makes this site's foundations...

... and what it ain't! i.e. an asylum for the disturbed and for the (your choice) in-denial.

Or is it what RL attracts?

Is RL that alien and weird?

Posted: **Fri Sep 25, 2009 8:33 pm**

...but I'm not in denial...!

Posted: **Fri Sep 25, 2009 10:01 pm**

HuManBing wrote:...but I'm not in denial...!

Da Nile ain't in Egypt, honey, it's right in front of me! You better shape up and get rid of that loser, you too good for him! Know what I'm sayin'?

*Jenny Jones interrupts to announce a surprise makeover for all her guests*

Posted: **Fri Sep 25, 2009 10:15 pm**

It appears that this thread has digressed from its original intention, that being to bring up real-life examples of fear, horror, and madness that appertain to posters heretoforth to be named.

Shouldering my burden (as truly I must) of being the one to get things back on track, I present this scary tale.

Once, I wuz at zoo. Zoo wuz wied opin ezee to be lost in. O no, I thut, me iz lost! So I lookd at big map at wall. Big map say: "You are here"

I look. Is treu!!! Map say I iz heer and I iz relly heer!

SO HOW MAP KNOW!?!

Posted: **Sat Sep 26, 2009 8:26 am**

Posted: **Sun Sep 27, 2009 12:18 pm**

Applying for grad schools and scholarships all weekend is real life horror and madness.

Posted: **Sun Sep 27, 2009 11:06 pm**

I feel your pain. One Master's in Journalism and one law degree later, it's a miracle I'm even sane.

As this thread clearly shows.

Posted: **Sun Sep 27, 2009 11:08 pm**

Here is a story about love and romance. I include it to break up the sheer high-intensity fear horror and madness that is in this thread. Please enjoy:

STARBUCKS LOVE

So I met this girl who worked at Starbucks, and I worked up the courage to ask her on a date after a couple of conversations at the register. She was a month older than me but I didn’t really care, she was fun to be around. So we took a walk along the beach, and we kissed in the pale moonlight, a full moon, it was really romantic. We started really getting into it, and she slowly unbuttoned my shirt, she reaches inside and starts kissing her way down my chest, she finally looks up at me with the most seductive eyes I’ve ever seen and says:

We have 2 observers, A and B, traveling apart from each other at 0.9c, relative with regard to each other. A launches a rocket ship R toward B which undergoes constant acceleration (note: constant acceleration does not necessarily mean what you think it does in this context). A sees R starting at 0 velocity. What is the velocity of R that B sees? The same as A's, of course; 0.9c (away from B). After some time A sees R having 0.9c velocity (toward B). What velocity does B see R as having? 0! Some later time A sees R having 0.99c velocity (toward B). What velocity does B see R as having? To answer this question you actually need to know relativity. The answer is 0.826c (toward B). So B saw R initially flying away from him, slowing to a halt and then flying toward him faster and faster. A saw R initially at rest, then flying toward B faster and faster. So according to A R's speed was increasing from the first moment. But no matter how fast R goes there's always some observer who will tell you that R is at rest (or even going the opposite direction to the one A thinks it's going)

and I’m like “No way, you had candy for breakfast?” She replies, “Not candy! Reese’s puffs cereal!” So she sliiiiides me a bowl. I crunch into it and WHAM! My mouth goes crazy! That smooth combo of peanut butter and chocolate-y taste attacking my taste buds! She buttons my shirt back up and says “And it’s part of this complete breakfast!”

Café de Nuit

Real life fear/horror/madness

Real life fear/horror/madness