Real life fear/horror/madness

[HuManBing]

Chinese male: Hu lawyer, I need to stop the car here and get some gas.
HMB: No problem, I'll keep reviewing your file. Don't be long, we need to be on time for your immigration interview.
Chinese male: Oh, Hu lawyer, what does this "$73" sign mean on the gas pump?
HMB: Hang on, I'm getting out of the car now.
Chinese male: Does it mean they're charging $73 for a gallon of gasoline?
HMB [looks at sign]: Ah, no, just ignore that. It's just a lottery ad.
Chinese male: Wait, what? You enter the lottery for $73 dollars?
HMB: No. Look at this word "Million". It means 百万. So $73 million is 七千三百万美金.
Chinese male: ...!!!
HMB: Come on, pump your gas and let's go. We've got just over an hour before the hearing starts.
Chinese male: This is seriously seventy three million dollars? How much does a ticket cost? Where can I buy one?
HMB: Ignore it, you're wasting your money. People buy tickets their whole lives and never win enough to pay for the cost. Besides your hearing is in an hour's time.
Chinese male: Screw the hearing! I'm getting me one of those tickets and if I win seventy three million dollars I'm going back to China and buying me an aircraft carrier.
HMB: ...I'll be in the car.

[Manofevil]

Did he ever say what he was going to DO with the aircraft carrier?

[HuManBing]

I dunno. I'm pretty sure an aircraft carrier would cost way more than $73 million though.

With $73 million, you might be able to afford one single MiG or Su jet fighter to put onto an aircraft carrier.

[Trike]

I don't know. I bet he could afford some sort of aircraft carrier.

Here is a nice affordable vessel:

http://thereifixedit.files.wordpress.co ... arrier.jpg

He could even afford two!

[HuManBing]

After ExGirlfriend earned her name and broke up with me, she started dating a lawyer with the government. She also was nice enough to introduce me to this lawyer to network. The three of us went to dinner together and chatted and drank and laughed. It was a good evening.

A little later, I was bored and called her up. The call went to voicemail. On the spur of the moment I decided to do the stereotypical Chinese thing and rap about my Honda Civic.

"So I drive my Honda Civic,
Yah, I drive my Honda Civic
See me drive my Honda Civic
Drive my Honda Civic laaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

in an obnoxiously thick Chinese accent.

And then I hung up.

Apparently ExG didn't discover this until the following morning when her lawyer boyfriend woke up next to her. She burst out laughing and he asked her what was up.

"Bing just left me a really weird voicemail where he was rapping about his Honda Civic in a really obnoxious Chinese accent."

Her boyfriend scratched his head and said "I don't know him that well, but I did have a suspicion that he might have had a weird streak."

ExG: "...you have no idea..."


GREAT SUCCESS!

[Zilfer]

That would make me laugh xD though a good deal of these make me laugh. XD

[Gonzoron of the FoS]

A little later, I was bored and called her up. The call went to voicemail. On the spur of the moment I decided to do the stereotypical Chinese thing and rap about my Honda Civic.

Man, if it's one thing I find offensive, it's those stereotypes about Chinese people and their voicemail automobile rapping.





HUH?



(Never change, Bing)

[High Priest Mikhal]

A little later, I was bored and called her up. The call went to voicemail. On the spur of the moment I decided to do the stereotypical Chinese thing and rap about my Honda Civic.

Man, if it's one thing I find offensive, it's those stereotypes about Chinese people and their voicemail automobile rapping.





HUH?



(Never change, Bing)

Quoted for truth.

[HuManBing]

Adventures with SmallMom

1. SmallMom on plane

HMB on plane with SmallMom.
SmallMom carries passport etc. around in belt-pack.
SmallMom is small.
SmallMom decides to go to the bathroom.
SmallMom takes off belt-pack and leaves on my seat.
HMB curious: decide to try to wear the belt-pack.
Belt-pack doesn't even make it halfway around my girth.
Too fat abdomen rage.
HMB curious: decide to try wearing belt-pack around individual limbs instead.
Belt-pack just barely fastens around upper thigh.
SmallMom returns.
"Where is belt-pack?"
Show SmallMom thigh.
"Wow, my belt equals your garter!"

Moral: SMALLMOM IS CHEEKY. >:l

[HuManBing]

Adventures with SmallMom

2. Speech Day

HMB and friends at speech day (UK equivalent of prom except parents turn up in hats and suits and liquor is for them not us)
A wild SmallMom appears!
SmallMom charms friends with witty conversation.
Friends take kindly to SmallMom.
A dormant brother (HDT) appears!
Friends already familiar with HDT, warm welcomes all round.
Discussion: Chinese names for brothers, and how they're very similar.
Questions about HMB and HDT etymology ensue.
SmallMom: "This elder one is 姓辈酸, and the younger one is 姓辈甜".
Friends: "What does that mean?"
SmallMom: "Younger brother is 'Sweet', elder brother is 'Sour'."
Friends: "Pretty much, yeah."
HMB: "Hey! "
SmallMom: "If they were Japanese we would use five syllables. Elder would be 无所概念郎 and younger would be 野外求生郎."
Friends: "What does that mean?"
SmallMom: "Elder = 'I have no clue boy' and younger = 'Fend and forage boy'. ^__^ "
Friends: "Yep, pretty much."
HMB and HDT: "HEY! "

Moral: SMALLMOM IS CHEEKY. >:l

[HuManBing]

Adventures with SmallMom

3. The incredible vanishing SmallMom

SmallMom in hotel room.
SmallMom fastidiously tidy.
SmallMom arranges jackets and shirts in closet.
SmallMom unable to comfortably reach clothes bar, climbs up stepladder to do so.
HMB enters room looking for SmallMom.
"SmallMom?"
Disembodied SmallMom voice floats around the room "Yes?"
HMB confused!
"SmallMom where are you?"
Disembodied voice: "I am here."
HMB even more confused. "WHERE???"
Disembodied voice: "I'm here!"
Dawning realization of crisis situation.
HMB: "Run away!"

Moral: SmallMom, in her manifest smallitude, has become invisible to the naked human eye.

[HuManBing]

Adventures with SmallMom

4. Addendum - physical properties of a SmallMom

Particle physics recognizes these mass properties:

Proton > Neutron > Electron {> SmallMom (hypothetical, untested)}

Latest in situ experiments suggest a reciprocal relationship between background levels of insouciance and the approach of a SmallMom:

{Cheekiness} = Mom(Smallitude) x (distance from SmallMom)^-1

Independently observable properties of a SmallMom:

• Small, potentially massless.
• Loud sneezes.
• Occasionally liberates subparticles, each of which is literally twice the mass of the SmallMom and thus forces a reevaluation of particle mass theory.
• Occasionally torments said liberated subparticles with cheekiness, each of which undergoes rapid acceleration to increase distance from SmallMom and thus reduce cheekiness levels.
• Makes nice food.
• Both subparticles occasionally re-attach to SmallMom (creating the elusive particle called the "Huggs Both-Sons") and the mass of both subparticles obscures the SmallMom, rendering her invisible to outside observation.

Graphical representation of SmallMom and two subparticles, demonstrating relative sizes:

0.O

[Zilfer]

lol^

You'd be an interesting one to meet in real life i thinks. Yes, very much so.

[High Priest Mikhal]

::As the Old Man:: Damn it, Bing. If you don't knock it off I might just crack a smile.

[HuManBing]

Adventures with SmallMom

5. The ricebowl gambit

SmallMom lives at home with LoudDad.
Explanatory note: SmallMom is small.
LoudDad is medically limited in how much rice he may eat.
SmallMom is vigilant about LoudDad's rice intake.
LoudDad is disheartened by this.
SmallMom due to go out of town to visit her family.
SmallMom makes a full pot of rice in cooker.
LoudDad perks up. Rice is imminent!
SmallMom doles out a tiny ricebowl for him.
"The rest is in the fridge, don't eat more than you should."
LoudDad says "I won't."
LoudDad cackles fiendishly to self for his cunning.
SmallMom disappears.
LoudDad opens fridge, sees big bowl with plate covering.
Carries bowl out to countertop and lifts plate in anticipation of plentiful rice harvest.
LoudDad shocked!
Inside big bowl are six tightly-nested consecutively smaller bowls.
Inside smallest bowl is a tiny amount of rice and note "Rest is in freezer - behave yourself!"
LoudDad morose.
LoudDad calls up HMB to complain.
"SmallMom is cheeky! "
HMB condolences.