Café de Nuit

Alternate Earths

I arrived at the institution this cold but sunny Friday morning. It was the thirty-fifth year, second month, sixteenth day of our Union of Socialist States of America. I stood at my cubicle and placed my left hand over my heart in preparation for our Hymn of Allegiance. The speakerphone broadcast the first glorious chord of our new anthem of the revolution, which the People's Supreme Soviet of the New World graciously allowed us to keep lyrics from the old obsolete song. They didn't even modify the lyrics for politics - just to fit the new rhythm of the music.

I sang in chorus with my honest brothers in the field, in the factory, and in the institutions.

O say, can you see by the dawn's early light
What so proudly we hail'd at the twilight's last gleam?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight
O'er the ramparts we watch'd as they gallantly streamed?

Rise, rockets with your crimson glare! Bombs, bursting in the leaden air,
Prove through the night that our flag is still there.
Stand - stalwart men shall not be slaves. Long may our starry standard wave (Over the)
Land of the free and the home of the brave!

I'm confused.

H! Its been 3 days . . . and no new story?

where's the fear? Where's the horror?

WHERE'S THE MADNESS!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????

I had a real life fear/horror/madness check today. Was walking to catch the bus with a friend, and look up, feeling as though we're being watched. The most ghastly pair of dead staring eyes leered down at us through the open window of the arts building. A severed head. We both jumped.

Turned out to be just a mannequin head, with a really ugly wig that somebody had left in the window.

Twin Dragons wrote: I'm confused.

I rewrote the words of the American national anthem so they fit the tune of the Soviet national anthem.

...

I was bored.

HuManBing wrote:Alternate Earths[/i]

You have probably red the alternate version of Superman "red son", a what if Superman fell in the USSR instead? I'm not a fan of marvel comics, and of superman in particular, but this was very good.

On Mishearings

HMB is in restaurant with girlfriend, CitiesOfGold. HMB and COG have just seen the movie Borat: Cultural Learnings of America For Make Benefit Great Nation of Kazakhstan.
HMB gets up to go pay. The restaurant refuses his credit card. "Only cash, but there's an ATM right around the corner," they say.

HMB goes out, gets cash, and comes back to COG.

COG looks at him anxiously. "Are we okay?"

HMB flashes a Borat two-thumbs-up and announces merrily "GREAT SUCCESS!"

Unfortunately, COG mishears this as "GREAT SEX!". She gets up, offended.

HMB tries to calm her down and explain what's going on.

HMB takes out a wad of dollar bills from his wallet.

"What? I've got money!" he explains, confused.

Funnily enough, this does not make COG feel any better and she storms out.

HMB shrugs. He will truly never understand women. "All I said was GREAT SUCCESS."

I see where this is going...

You write a bunch of funny stories and then we become slaves to them.

It's like one of those Tales from the Darkside/Twillight Zone episodes, isn't it? Isn't it!!??? Gahhh!!!

Joël of the FoS wrote:You have probably red the alternate version of Superman "red son", a what if Superman fell in the USSR instead? I'm not a fan of marvel comics,.

DC Comics, you heathen!

( What, is it all Asterix and Thorgal up there? )

Flight Yokes

Back when I was on ebay, I sometimes put bids in for two of the same thing. This usually meant I got one of them. But sometimes it meant I would get both, and then I'd be stuck with one extraneous item.

One time, I double-bid on a computer flight yoke (aka a joystick) and won both. I was feeling a bit stupid and wondering whom I could sell it to.

Then, as if by magic, the least suitable person came online. It was ExGirlfriend!

HMB: Hey ExG, I have an extra joystick. Would you like to buy it?

ExG (for whom English is not her native language): What the hell is a joystick and why would I want one?

HMB: It's something you plug into your computer and it makes you fly. It's properly called a "flight yoke".

ExG: Flight yoke? None of this makes any sense. Do you have a picture?

HMB: Sure. Here:

Thrustmaster 16000m.jpg (31.67 KiB) Viewed 4149 times

ExG: This "joystick" gadget is called a "Thrustmaster". What are you trying to tell me?

HMB: Wait, wait, wait. I'm not explaining myself very well.

ExG: Never mind, I think I already have one anyway. But thanks for the offer.

HMB: Drat. Oh well, I guess I'll see if my brother wants one.

ExG:

Again, with the old date stories? You do know you're giving the impression of a guy who accumulates ex-girlfriends like they were collectible trading cards, don't you, HMB...?

Hey, it's just three date stories, and two of those deal with the same woman. (EXG, not COG.)

I included two stories of my cheeky little brother HDT and I don't hear any accusations that I'm collecting a disreputable number of siblings eh? eh? eh?

Although to be fair, HDT just sort of happened to me. I didn't pay any attention and then suddenly he was there. He just appeared randomly. Like dandruff.

A few months ago I went to a bar with some friends to get a bite to eat. There was a middle aged woman sitting next to me and she tried to strike up a conversation, despite the fact that I was being intentionally antisocial and playing Super Mario Bros. 3 on a Game Boy Advanced.

"Oh, is this Doom? I like Doom," she said.

This was not a good start and the conversation went quickly downhill after that.

With only a month left to go before I hear back on the results of my bar exam, I'm still getting nightmares about the test.

Last week I had a dream that I was late for the bar exam, and then when I got there to sit down, the exam had a calculus question on it. WTF!

Ever woken up and realized you have a doppelganger?

I went online and checked up on urbandictionary.com. THERE WAS AN HMB!!! HE WAS POSTING DEFINITIONS!!! HE IS BRINGING MY GOOD NAME INTO DISREPUTE!!!

http://www.urbandictionary.com/author.php?author=HMB for proof.

:indignant: :indigestion:

There is a lot of crickets in my computer room. I have difficulty sleeping, and the chirping at night makes it harder.

They come here to hide from the cold. Many die here. They crinkle beneath my slippers as I walk down in the blinking darkness.

My computer was on when I left, and it was off when I returned. Maybe the crickets did it.

I'm starting to feel scared. I hope they don't do anyth

The really scary thing about that last story is the possibility of you never posting another one...