Café de Nuit

Granted, you can now type exactly one keystroke per millennium faster than you could before.

I wish I hadn't contracted an infection from the earplugs.

Scipio wrote: I wish I hadn't contracted an infection from the earplugs.

Granted, what was mistaken for an infection is actually an Infestation of brain devouring mites which painfully migrate their way through your ear canals until, circuitously, reaching your brain.


I wish my little sister could spend more time with me.



(edited for typo)

Granted, yourseflf disappears from the world and you find yourself inhabiting your sisters body alongside her own self. Rejoice for your wish has been granted.

I wish the Social Security weren't making me take a medical exam on the 19th...

Granted, now it's the NSA that's making you take the exam. And this time they're putting the instruments in very different places.

I wish WotC would do Ravenloft properly, like TSR did.

Granted but the cost of them having to hire new writers drives the price of the materials sky-high. You go bankrupt trying to keep up.

I wish I had $1,000,000 (US Dollars, and not stolen, counterfeited, or that would get me in trouble in any way.)

Granted, however your evil cousin spills the beans to the tabloids and you wake up one morning to a small contingent of tramps living in front of your enourmous house. In order to evict them you go to court, you win but the legal fees come to USD $1,000,001.00.....

I wish Guinness could be plumbed into the water supply...

Granted: He is, but then his estate sues you for defilement of his mortal remains and enraged Star Wars fans all over the world burn your house down.

I wish I could get access to my DnD stuff in Beijing without my disapproving father knowing about it.

Granted! Your father never finds out that it was the smuggling of your DnD materials into China that resulted in your death in that shootout between the smuggling gang and the authorities.

I wish I could think up some genuinely twisted responses to these wishes!

Granted, you can think of some of the most twisted responses ever. Unfortunately as soon as you think of the response, whichever computer you are using at the time bursts into flames, not only preventing you from posting the responses, but also requiring you to pay out of pocket to replace it.

I wish I weren't going to have to have surgery.

Granted. You don't have to have surgery. You find yourself miraculously healed and no doctor can believe it. Congratulations! Sorry, but you still have to take that prostate exam . . . and we've just recieved word that your insurance coverage has changed. But at least you don't need surgery!

I wish that expensive bottled water was really any different from tap water.

[quote="LadySoth"]and we've just recieved word that your insurance coverage has changed. quote] Wait? I have insurance now? THANK YOU!!!

Now to twist your wish..
Granted, while bottled water remains good quality, all tap water in the world turns into the stuff we have here in Tulsa. Have fun with the traces of radium, asbestos, and cyanide in the water. I'd reccomend getting an expensive filtration system.

I wish the laundry room here at my apartment complex didn't cost so much to wash and dry a single load of laundry.

Granted: The apartment complex now has a new policy saying that they've doubled their prices.

Now it costs so much to do half a load of laundry and drying

I wish I could understand why people actually like hip hop.

[I hope I haven't done that one before. It sounds familiar.]

Granted! Once you get that deep understanding about the pleasure of listening to Hip Hop, you begin to like it, and then you begin to love it, and then you just can't stop listening to Hip Hop all around the clock, every day. Then you realize that there are a lot of people that don't actually like hip hop, and who get annoyed with your constant rumbling (Cause you have to do it at full volume, with the proper outfit and that distinctive head movement). As you just cannot stop, you get kicked out of your house, and even of your neighborhood... Nobody likes you: You're even too passionate for other hip-hoppers. You end up alone, listening to your music, and you just don't understand why people don't actually like hip hop the way you do.

At the end, you become so obsessed with hip hop, that you end up like the main character of the song "Stan", by Eminem.

I wish I could just go home...

Granted, you discover that the hip hop culture is really a cult dedicated to raising leviathan so it might drown the earth in a sea of blood and bad music. Unfortunately this discovery comes at a terrible cost and once captured - which you inevitably are - you are locked in a room with nothing but hip hop to listen to, in the belief that you will eventually be converted to the new world philosophy.

I wish I could be happy all the time.

Damnit

Granted, you can just go home ... in fact, that is all you can do - no matter were else you attempt to go, whenever you leave the house you end up back home. You're friends and family don't undertand why you never leave the house and all you do when attempting to explain it is convince them you're thoroughly insane. Rather than send you to an asylum, however, they have a caretaker brought in to treat you at home - a sadistic caretaker who makes the woman from Misery look like a cherub. She's not very attentive though, so you escape often ... unfortunately just when you believe you've got away, you end up right back at home.

It's the only place you can go.

I wish I should never again suffer from tooth pain.