Café de Nuit

Being known as the local horror fanboy at my Blockbuster means I get a lot of first looks at horror movies. They don't give my opinions any weight, they just know to hold a copy for me. This means I get a chance to see an awful lot of movies--quite of a few of them pretty bad. This is a list for those who want to warn others of really bad horror movies, TV shows, games, and whatever else is out there. Please, for the sake of everyone on these boards, share the bad, the rotten, the just plain stupid so maybe one person can be spared the true horror.

Anything by Maverick Entertainment (production studio)
These guys seem to specialize in bad horror. And I don't just mean one thing--I mean everything is bad. From acting to script to special FX to the lighting and sound. If I see the web address www.maverickentertainment.cc on the back, I don't watch it. I've seen so many bad movies put out by them I feel like I need to warn others.

Chronos (movie)
This wasn't bad so much as it just wasn't scary. Otherwise it's pretty good.

28 Weeks Later (movie)
"More gore than horror" summarizes this movie pretty well. I didn't feel scared watching it, I felt nauseous.

White Noise (movie, American version)
Another one that just didn't scare me. The story was likewise hackneyed and unoriginal, so here it goes.

House of the Dead (movie)
I'm a huge fan of the House of the Dead games. I've blown more money on quarters and tokens playing the game consoles than I have on anything else--except D&D. I still keep my Dreamcast hooked up so I can play House of the Dead 2 when I feel like it. But this movie...the characters, the zombies, the story, it just doesn't work. The sequel is only marginally better, though it too is rather cliche and stupid.

Alone In The Dark (movie)
AitD literally created the survival-horror genre, but the movie follows the rather sad tradition of being just awful. They take the premise of the game and then turn it into something it's not. If they had stuck to the spirit of the games--as was done in the first Mortal Kombat--it might have been good. Instead it comes off as a bad rip-off. Here's hoping the remake of the first game is good.

If anyone else wants to add, please do. Help save someone from the true horror of wasting their money.

House of the Dead (movie)
I'm a huge fan of the House of the Dead games. I've blown more money on quarters and tokens playing the game consoles than I have on anything else--except D&D. I still keep my Dreamcast hooked up so I can play House of the Dead 2 when I feel like it. But this movie...the characters, the zombies, the story, it just doesn't work. The sequel is only marginally better, though it too is rather cliche and stupid.

Alone In The Dark (movie)
AitD literally created the survival-horror genre, but the movie follows the rather sad tradition of being just awful. They take the premise of the game and then turn it into something it's not. If they had stuck to the spirit of the games--as was done in the first Mortal Kombat--it might have been good. Instead it comes off as a bad rip-off. Here's hoping the remake of the first game is good.

I would just add, any movie made by Uwe Boll (as these two were).

LouisVendredi wrote:I would just add, any movie made by Uwe Boll (as these two were).

This would include Bloodrayne (not nearly as bad as Bloodrayne 2, the movie; watching that should be legally suicide). And as one who's seen Bolle's movies (unlike millions of people who just talk trash without having seen them) I can say they do have one redeeming quality--at least Uwe tried to make them good. Sadly he's fallen short three times; that's three strikes Mr. Bolle. You're officially listed under "Horror That's Just Horrific."

Game-to-Movie adaptations by Uwe Bolle (director)

I've seen all four movies mentioned and so feel justified in trashing them. If this is him trying to make them good, some friend needs to sit him down and gently explain that perhaps his talents lie elsewhere.

They weren't even in the Roger Corman, so bad it's good, class.

Well, it probably goes without saying but:

Plan 9 From Outer Space
Believe it or not, a serious remake is in the works, played straight and not for laughs. Also believe or not, I independently had the idea to do a serious remake years ago, but alas, I'm not in the movie biz.

Also:
The Abominible Dr. Phibes and Dr. Phibes Rises Again
I consider myself a huge Vincent Price fan. I've got a Tivo Wishlist to auto-record any movie he's in, in attempt to catch up on his huge filmography. I've seen some pretty bad stuff before, just because VP was in them. But I could barely sit through these 2 monstrosities. Bizarre. Hard to believe the first got made, much less a sequel. Wish I had a couple wise-cracking robots to help me through them.

I'd have to agree on the Phibes movies. I had trouble sitting through them. Although, I would classify Plan 9 in the so bad it's good category.

gonzoron wrote:The Abominible Dr. Phibes and Dr. Phibes Rises Again

Plan 9. ::Shudders:: Thank you, I'd almost forgotten about it.

Phibes I agree somewhat with. They're really more black comedies than a true horror duo. A man impaled by a bust of a unicorn? I just laughed at that. And the theme being "Somewhere Over the Rainbow?" That's gotta be that quirky British humor at work.

My words weren't aimed at anyone in particular regarding the Bolle movies. I just wish people would make up their own minds before jumping to conclusions. Sadly that may never happen.

Alone In the Dark 5 (aka AItD 2008; PC game)
This is just a warning to folks that might want to buy the PC version. First of all I can't even get sound when I actually enter the game--and this is a very cinematic game, so sound is KEY TO THE WHOLE THING!!! That might be fixed with a patch, so take that one with a grain of salt. And yes, I've updated drivers and DirectX and checked everything. I just get no sound. Maybe I should just spring for a new sound card...

PC controls are nearly impossible; the game was designed for use with a gamepad and the developers didn't compensate for that with the PC version. Even with a gamepad the controls are not all that great and can get very frustrating. Be ready to be jumping from key to key faster than a typist on a caffeine high (:D) because the game is R-E-L-E-N-T-L-E-S-S in areas. If you thought the very first forced you think fast...And don't even get me started on vehicle controls for PC.

Finally this is an issue that probably will never be fixed: the views. There's a first-person and a third-person. Third-person is useless for combat, but the game sometimes forces a specific view and this can be a killer--literally. Along with the controls it takes a real patient and understanding player to tolerate these flaws enough to play.

Other than those problems the game is well worth a try. Clean graphics, dynamic environment, gripping story (or so I'm told; no sound, remember?), and AItD-esque horror at its finest. It's not the most realistic in some regards (glowsticks as possible wicks for bombs?) but why split hairs? The real fun, though, is in mixing and matching items and creating new weapons using everyday items. Fire is also a major element (no pun intended) and enemies can only be destroyed permanently by fire. This can be a problem if you lack the proper items, though it's still not nearly as bad as AItD: The New Nightmare.

If you can, get the soundtrack edition. The soundtrack is only eight songs but they're good mood music.

I would add Rob Zombie's movie House of 1000 Corpses to the list. The story, such as it is, is completely predictable from the very first minute of the movie. And it just didn't scare me, didn't even make me jump (and I'm one of those people who always jumps at everything in movies, then acts like he didn't). All in all, it was the second biggest waste of movie fare I have ever seen, behind Pathfinder.

House of 1000 Corpses (movie)
I've sat through some bad movies beginning to end--House of the Dead, 28 Weeks Later, even the American adapation of The Ring--but this is the only one that has the distinction of being the only movie I walked out on. Thanks, JinnTolser, for reminding me to warn folks about this horrible movie. The sequel is also no picnic, being more gore than horror.

Keep 'em coming, folks. I've got the memory of a fish (I can't remember something three seconds later).

I'm going to be lazy and just post this link.

It'll take you to a list of horror movies indexed by monster type at "Reviews and Stuff" and once you click through, any title you see with a green splat behind it, is one I consider "rotten".

And, boy, have I watched a lot of rotten movies....

Rotten Tomatoes is good for movies, but what about books, video games, even the odd cartoon (if they ever make a Ravenloft movie in the same vein as that Dragonlance movie, so help me...)? That's what this list is for.

Well if we want to get old and timeless horror, How about 'Highlander 2, The Quickening'?

Manofevil wrote:Well if we want to get old and timeless horror, How about 'Highlander 2, The Quickening'?

Not having seen the movie I have to ask if that's a "good" timeless horror, or a "bad" timeless horror. If it's the former then it's not for this thread; this is a place to post bad horror to warn others.

Dracula 3000 (movie)
Vampires in space. Van Helsing's descendent has continued the family crusade to destroy vampires for centuries--and apparently it's a paying job. The special FX are sub-par, the acting is lousy, and the story is thinner than water. Gratuitous nudity just shows how desperate the director is to make the movie interesting. Put a stake through this one's heart and burn it.

Halloween 3 and 6 (movies
Halloween 3 is NOT a Halloween movie; no Michael Meyers!? Androids!? Please, don't bother. As for the sixth, now we're getting into some weird Celtic mythology and witchcraft--perhaps a nod to the third movie--that in the end just doesn't fit the legend of this serial slasher. Michael Meyers isn't evil because he's cursed or chosen by dark gods; he's evil because that's what he is.

I did consider the Rob Zombie remake as one to list, but the reviews are mixed on that. Even I liked it--the first time I saw it. It's one of those "once is enough" movies.

High Priest Mikhal wrote:

Manofevil wrote:Well if we want to get old and timeless horror, How about 'Highlander 2, The Quickening'?

Not having seen the movie I have to ask if that's a "good" timeless horror, or a "bad" timeless horror. If it's the former then it's not for this thread; this is a place to post bad horror to warn others.

Well, it's "horrific" but it's not "horror." Terrible movie, but not in the genre.