Masque of the Red Death: Victims of Change (Comments)

[Isabella]

Look who's back!
Now with less convoluted sentances!
Now with less reading behind the lines!
Now with more adhereance to the English language! (Seriously.)

I had this idea way, waaaaaaaaaay back right when I finished the Festival of Lilies. And... nothing happened. I actually really hate the story. But it's been sitting around in my brain for so long that it's driving me nuts, so, I'm finally starting to write it down. The theory being that posting a chapter and having readers would motivate me to finish it.

(crickets chirp)

Haha.

Anyway, for my first author's note; those who don't recognize the man in the blue uniform should look up Emperor Joshua A. Norton, my personal favorite historical figure. Hope you enjoy somewhat.

Disclaimers:
No, it's probably not historically accurate. I know nothing about 1860s San Francisco (thanks a lot, LAUSD!)
Yes, I probably screwed up Catholicsm. I was raised Protestant. I have, like, two Catholic friends (and one of them was bitter about it ) Please indulge my glaring errors.

[Spiteful Crow]

Looks good to me so far.

[Isabella]

EXPOSITION

Two chapters today for you lucky readers!

(Crickets chirp)

Er, reader.

Anyway, by now you've probably noticed this isn't your standard monster manual entry creature, although it is possible to create something close to it using John W. Mangrum's rules in his netbook article, Beasts At Heart. Just assume Muata knows what he's talking about, and that it's not important if he dosn't mention it for example, that bit about a one time chance for a cure is going right out the window.

Getting close to the end now.

[Isabella]

Alright, now that the whole. sordid story is over, I can talk a little more about it.

The story is based off the ghost Francisco Garcia in the Kargatane's Forgotten Children Netbook. Sort of.
What I mean by that is, when I started the story I had only heard some tiny, half-forgotten details about the character. My brother was the one who had read the book, and he couldn't even remember that the guy was a ghost, or where he'd seen the NPC. The only thing he recalled was the way to defeat Francisco: if a person cast thirty pieces of silver at his feet, he'd pick them up, one by one, and then vanish. We both thought this was brilliant.

I eventually found Francisco's entry after I had outlined the story in my head. It was a lot different than I had expected it to be, so I felt free to write my own story without fear of rehashing the same old stuff.

Now, for the ending.
I think it's missing something. The two people who read the story told me it was missing something. So my guess is it could be much better. But at over 14500 words, this story is almost five times the length of my senior college project, and there's not a lot of motivation to finish it properly and a whole lot more motivation to just finish and get on with life.
Incidentally, the reason I hate this story so much is because if my GM ever pulled a situation like this on me, I'd punch him. (Well, I wouldn't. But I'd say I did on internet boards. )

I feel it's important to say that Isaac isn't meant to be a villain. I wouldn't even make him fail a power's check. Those things are for people who don't feel guilt, IMO, and he would punish himself worse than any embarrassing curse ever would.
I see him going on to become an ally against the Red Death, with the driving force of never repeating this tragedy.

As a side note, I had considered writing a spin off with Emperor Norton, Mark Twain, and the crew of the Kanrin Maru teaming up to chase down a demon that had escaped from the Emperor's vault in Japan. Fopr obvious reason's I will never write this; not only is the premise prone to extreme silliness, but I could never do Mark Twain any semblance of justice.

Finally, the title is based off of a song title - those of you who recognize it will undoubtedly groan at all the puns.

[Sylaire]

Finally got around to reading this. Good story! Also nice to see a werecreature other than a werewolf take the center stage. I'm extremely fond of Isaac; the "bumbling, absent-minded, good-hearted clergyman" is an archetype, of course, but you do a good job breathing life into it and creating him as a person. Lionel, of course, is well-detailed (as he has to be, for the readers to care about him), but Maria and Father Salinas lend significant presence to the story. And you do a nice enough job of defining Lionel's role in the story--then having him take time away from it--that some genuine pathos and sorrow is built up. The fact that he's become an infected lycanthrope is given more emotional meaning because he's defined by his role as Isaac's friend, not by playing a role in the horrifying events.

About the only real problem I had with the story is that I find it difficult to believe that there's "wilderness" near to a mission in metropolitan San Fransisco. That may, however, be my historical ignorance speaking, but I thing some better background on the setting in earlier chapters might help that somewhat. Or maybe I was just skimming too fast?

Actually, I've found your comments in this thread more confusing than the story itself. For example, I don't see how anything Lionel or Manuel do in the story is different than a run-of-the-mill mundane werebear; I had interpreted Muata's comments as typical MotRD "flavor text" combined with his character's personal views. The scene where Isaac chained up Lionel for the exorcism seemed like a fairly mundane attempt to cast remove curse in its Ravenloft-rules-modified state which happened to fail to cure the lycanthropy.

Similarly, I don't see how Isaac constitutes a "villain" on any level. He tried to help his friend overcome a horrifying condition--demonstrating remarkable personal courage and dedication to his moral ideals while doing so--and feels guilty over his failure. What would the powers check be for even for argument's sake? Failure to forcibly prevent Lionel's suicide because Isaac is a Catholic priest and so considers suicide a mortal sin even when it's clearly an act of self-sacrifice to prevent harm to others rather than solely motivated by despair? If that qualifies for a powers check then there's no point in fighting the Red Death 'cause anyone over the age of two has already failed enough checks to become a minion just on the law of averages.

Lastly...um, I'm not seeing where the Fransisco Garcia ghost legend ties in. So far as I can tell, the "thirty pieces of silver" in this story is only a Biblical symbol for Isaac's perceived betrayal of his friend by failing to lift the lycanthropic curse. It certainly works well, but...how is it tied to the ghost story you refer to?

Anyway, cheer up. Personally, I think the story is a lot better than any of the self-flagellating comments in this thread make it out to be. It was a fun and tragic read, excellently suited to the setting.

[Isabella]

Actually, I've found your comments in this thread more confusing than the story itself. For example, I don't see how anything Lionel or Manuel do in the story is different than a run-of-the-mill mundane werebear; I had interpreted Muata's comments as typical MotRD "flavor text" combined with his character's personal views. The scene where Isaac chained up Lionel for the exorcism seemed like a fairly mundane attempt to cast remove curse in its Ravenloft-rules-modified state which happened to fail to cure the lycanthropy.

Normal lycanthropes aren't especially affected by silver unless you hit them with it. A werewolf could deck itself out with silver jewelry and parade around in it if it felt like it (to throw of suspicious investigators, perhaps?).
There is a weakness in the netbook article Beasts at Heart that makes a werebeast allergic to its material bane, to the point where it irritates their skin and starts to harm them physically. But it's not dependent on phases of the moon.

Similarly, I don't see how Isaac constitutes a "villain" on any level. He tried to help his friend overcome a horrifying condition--demonstrating remarkable personal courage and dedication to his moral ideals while doing so--and feels guilty over his failure. What would the powers check be for even for argument's sake? Failure to forcibly prevent Lionel's suicide because Isaac is a Catholic priest and so considers suicide a mortal sin even when it's clearly an act of self-sacrifice to prevent harm to others rather than solely motivated by despair?

Erm... oops.

I can see the ending really did leave something to be desired. I had two people read it over first, one said it was bloody obvious and the other said he didn't get it at all. Lionel's death wasn't a suicide. The key to the set-up lies in two parts:

“We will return to the Mission at night, if you wish to find us,” the Indian added. “During the day, we hunt for your friend. Pray to your god we find him first.”

and

“It’s still... me, Isaac,” Lionel said. “As long as I’m alive, everyone around me is in danger. There’s nowhere for me to go. I don’t know what to do!”

Isaac bowed his head, staring mindlessly down at the ground, which he could barely see in the dying light. “We’ll go to the Mission.”

Obviously I screwed that bit up a little. Whoops!
Although from your response, maybe your interpretation is better.

Lastly...um, I'm not seeing where the Fransisco Garcia ghost legend ties in. So far as I can tell, the "thirty pieces of silver" in this story is only a Biblical symbol for Isaac's perceived betrayal of his friend by failing to lift the lycanthropic curse.

Well, that was the point. I didn't know anything about Francisco when I started, just the way of defeating him, and that's what inspired the story. I only read the whole article later.

Anyway, cheer up. Personally, I think the story is a lot better than any of the self-flagellating comments in this thread make it out to be. It was a fun and tragic read, excellently suited to the setting.

It's more the lack of comment that has me down. It's hard to think well of anything when it's received with absolute silence.

[Sylaire]

I figure if you have 180 page views, there's plenty of people who keep coming back for later chapters. That's always what puts a smile on my face. Though yeah, comments are good.

I think this is the part that made me think Lionel was going to kill himself:

“Do you really believe what you said to Maria?” Lionel asked. “About forgiveness, no matter what?”

“Yes,” Isaac whispered.

“May God forgive me.”

That implied to me that Lionel was about to do something in the immediate future for which he would want forgiveness. I think it was the word "May" that does it, especially, as opposed to hoping that God has forgiven him his past sins. So I read the final scene as if Lionel had taken a positive action, though now that you point it out I of course see what I was missing.